Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In serious need.

So to say I'm struggling tonight doesn't quite capture the pain of it.  I have been struggling emotionally for days. My son is in the middle of transition, preparing to move in with my husband in another state.  In the last twenty four hours I've been hit with two big pieces of painful news, and I feel like my plate is so absolutely full I'm going to break.

I don't think I can handle any more than this.

When I get in an emotional place like this I have trouble being grateful for what I have.  Everything seems like a concern.  Health concerns.  Financial concerns.  Relationship concerns.  Child and family concerns.

What the hell?  What the hell ISN'T a concern???

Breathe.  I can breathe.  I am grateful for the ability to breathe in and out, to slow my anxiety.  I am grateful to feel air deep in my lungs, clean and fresh.  I am grateful that I have lungs that are healthy, that work fully, and allow me to breathe without burden.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


So it's nearly a month later and I'm just now posting my second entry.  I've thought about it many times but not written.  Truth be told, I'm probably like a lot of people.  I give daily thanks and praise when things are going well, but feel the need to write when things are a bit tougher.  I've been struggling emotionally for the last few days.  I've had some struggles at work as well as at home and on top of it, I've been sick.  I'm one woman with way too much going on!

I'm grateful tonight for a coworker who took time out of her day to engage me in a conversation about some personal and professional frustrations I'm going through--I'll call her Mary.  She listened, empathized, and expressed a desire to help or make things better.  As I told her, I tend to be pretty bad at putting on my own lifejacket first, so to speak.  My habits of being a worrier, not managing stress well, and not practicing self-care have led to a pretty high stress level that leaves me exhausted a lot of the time.  Having someone who expresses an interest and caring in a respectful way is such a wonderful gift.  For a little bit today, the anxiety and frustration lessened.  My job continues to give me wonderful opportunities and fulfillment.  I am so fortunate in that fact.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The beginning--Sweet baby

I guess there's something about a new beginning, even if it's just a plain sheet of paper now becoming filled with my words or thoughts...

This is my gratitude journal.  This is where I intend to come for encouragement, for peace, for communing with God and gaining insight into myself.  Like anyone else, I am facing challenges--health issues, child custody issues, underemployment, a failing marriage.  Like anyone else, I experience joys--my family, my friends, my own accomplishments.

The rule for this blog is simple.  Only one rule I'm establishing for now: never leave this blog without posting at least one thing I'm grateful for.  I can list more than one if I want, but at least one should be written about.  Life--and the experiences within it--may also be shared, but look for the gratitude.  Therein I'll find the answers.  At least I'm pretty sure.

So today I am grateful for my daughter.  It's been a rough go lately with custody issues arising.  Her birth father has appeared after nearly 15 years of silence.  My husband and I gained custody of her at the age of 22 months.  Suddenly he has decided he wants to be a father to her, but has told her he doesn't want to have to pay child support, so she MUST live with him, and no court will listen to her wishes.  I cannot imagine the pain that kid is experiencing, hearing from this man who has never before shown an interest in her until the state decided to prosecute him for fifteen years of child support.

Last night I cried.  I told her I wished I was a stronger mother, the kind of mother you see in the movies.  The kind that says, "I don't care WHAT is going on, you WILL eat your wheaties and do your chores!"  But I'm not.  I got all caught up in the thought of losing her.  I allowed myself to imagine her being taken from me, of our relationship being severed, of mourning the possibility of losing her.

What that picture lacks is the depth of gratitude I have for having raised such a devious, funny, smart little girl.  She has truly challenged me on every level, not just as a mother but as a person, and I cannot imagine who I would be without her today.  As she has moved into adolescence and made wild choices--both good and bad--I have worried and sighed and yelled and hugged, but always loved her with my whole heart.  There are few people in the world that I can honestly say I love the way I love her.  Similarly, there are few people in the world that I can honestly say I like the way I like her.

God, I am grateful for the opportunity to be this kid's mom.  No matter what happens from this moment forward, I got to be her mom.  From the moment this tiny little squirmy child with messy curls and a rainbow nightgown was placed in my arms to this moment, I have experienced every high and low a mother of a child could experience.  Gratitude for thirteen years with this girl is huge.  I am grateful for every single minute.

I love you sweet baby, and I always will. <3